Depression is so real. Yet, so are you.
Depression is real...yet so are you.
I've been writing this post in my head for months, didn't have the courage to share it. A part of me was scared of what people may think of me, another part was scared of what my mom would say if she read it....but here goes.
In the beginning of 2015, I suffered from depression. It was very severe because I've never ever been depressed. My mom described me as a happy child and I grew up like that. Happy. Always a friend. Always the person people go to for comfort or to make them smile or laugh again. In 2015, I was extremely unhappy. I was the one in a room full people but felt alone. I felt like I was drowning and I felt extremely guilty about the divorce from my husband of 7 years but someone I had known for 17 years. I was in constant agony.
I never thought of my future without him and it hurt that he contemplated a future without me. I was devastated and broke. I had my business but it was thriving because there was another income. I thought, How am I going to do this? I couldn't find a job and couldn't land jobs I KNEW I was qualified for. It wasn't long before I felt something was wrong with me because I kept getting rejected. All I wanted was to to take care of my family. All I've ever wanted.
When I moved out of a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 kids, that's when it first hit me. The first time my kids left me to go to their dad's for the weekend, I was miserable. Never felt so alone in my life. Then, the first time I realized he officially moved on...that's when everything went down hill.
It was over.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was snapping at my children. Snapping at strangers. Crying atsongs, crying at tv shows, crying just looking at my children thinking I've should have done better. I wanted to die. I thought my kids and family were better without me. One night was so bad, I woke and wanted to hold someone. I grabbed my oldest out of his bed and put him in mine and held for at least 15 minutes....then I realized why I never let my kids sleep with me. They sleep so wild. Ha! I remember sitting up and looking at my son and laughing. Then I smiled and said, "Rekita, you got to get it together. You have 3 beautiful kids who need you. Who cares about what happened. They need you."
My kids saved my life.
I had already lost 15 lbs from being depressed. But I decided to start exercising for me, not for my marriage and not to get a new man, but to feel good about myself and be here for "dem babies". My babies. Who else would buy their costumes, who else would watch a movie like Frozen a million times with them and enjoy it, who else would actually sit and watch Santa go across the world in Xmas eve, and who else would hold them like I do. My babies needed me but I needed them more.
I wanted to do better with my business. I saw people surpassing me and doing great. I wanted that. I was determined to go back to my happy place. Creating shit. But I knew I needed to do something different. I engaged more with my peers and people within my niche.
I still had battles to fight. Fighting with my inner demons, fighting the past, fighting shoulda-coulda-wouldas. I prayed and fought. Cried and prayed. But He kept me and He gave me purpose (my children), He gave me a gift (creativity), and gave me a way (my business).
I wasn't just depressed, I suffered with depression. Unfortunately I didn't have enough resources to talk to a psychiatrist or therapist. However, I had a purpose and some goals. I want to see all my children graduate from high school and maybe college and go after their dreams. As for me, I want to become a household name.
I don't have time to be depressed when I have others to bless. And that's how I kick my depression in the face errday. So if you are reading this and battling with inner demons and depression, just know you are NOT alone. I know its easier said than done, but think about how you are a blessing to others and how you can continue to bless others. Take it one day at a time, friend.
Virtual Hugs to you all, Rekita